Some words

I failed at keeping a daily journal, that didn't last long. Whoops. Ha.

The last couple years I have had a lot of trouble with being motivated to stick with a consistent training plan. I've taken at least two months off during the winter the last two winters and when I am running I have trouble maintaining a consistent running program for more than six weeks without needing to take a really easy week off. On one hand, I want to run races and train hard to succeed, but on the other hand I want to be lazy and not plan - while at the same time doing fun destination type long runs.

When I started running long, the clear purpose was to distract my self from addictions. It defined me. I needed it to define me so I could no longer be defined as I previously was defined - drugs, alcohol, blah blah blah - that defined me and I used running to try and change the definition. I obsessed over it and I used it to drive myself forward. My desire to finish long races became synonymous with my journey at changing how I negatively defined myself. If I succeeded at races, I succeeded at no longer feeling like I should be defined the same way I used to.

Great. I don't do drugs anymore. In fact, it's been six years, five months and 31 days since the last time I did. It isn't the lack of doing them that is the success, but the complete lack of desire to do them that feels the success. I no longer consider myself to have an alcohol problem, sure I occasionally still have a beer or two, but it's ok, it doesn't control and all is well with all that. I might even consider myself a semi decent human being. Yay for life changes.

The problem with being a better person, and no longer doing the things I wanted to stop doing, is that it negatively affects my drive to do ridiculously long runs. If my purpose to training to run long was to prove that once I could run long it would prove that I was no longer the awful human being I used to be. I would use this drive to push myself so hard that I felt like I could do anything; I was able to push myself so hard because it was so important to succeed I would push through anything. I would draw on my previous experiences to push through the difficult training I would push myself through, "If I could live through all the stupid things I use to do to myself, then I can do this".

But now I feel like I no longer can use the 'changing myself' as motivation anymore because I no longer need to change myself, I have changed myself. And the mantra 'I can do this because I've put myself through worse', it no longer feels valid. I no longer feel connected to that person anymore, I am no longer able to draw strength from my mistake riddled past. It's no longer me, just a person I used to be.

The thing that I used to use to motivate me is gone, and the way that I used to convince myself I could do anything no longer feels valid. So what do I do?

It hasn't happened often, but there has been an occasion during a race or a run that has made me feel so great because it felt like I was so well prepared there was no way I would fail. I think you can only be successful if you work hard to get there. Right now I don't feel I have the mental tools required to achieve the goals I want if I were to try and continue to train the same way I have always trained. I will not get where I want to go if I keep trying to get there with a method that is so obviously no longer working.

I still don't know where I want to take my life, but as long as I wander down a non-negative path that's fine. Until then, I want to try and figure out how to be a good runner without using negative motivation.

One of the ideas behind AA is that in order to get better you need to stop allowing yourself to lead your own life. Obviously if you choose to continue to direct your own life you will continue to make mistakes and you will never get what you want. Only once you admit you are powerless and your life has become unmanageable you  hand control over your life over to a higher power will you have a spiritual awakening. I only bothered with AA for a few months (they have some bad science), but this idea is transferable. If you can not manage it yourself, then refer to a higher power. So I will hand over the reigns of planning my training to someone else, and all I will have to think about is putting on my shoes and getting out there and doing it. Trying to work towards getting a few good race results while not using negative emotions as a training motivation. Should be something. I can't believe I just compared having someone make a training plan to AA....